Today I feel like the world is against me. Though I tried so much to make today a good day, it simply would not happen. Waking up to canceled plans, a check that couldn't split, being locked out of my car, learning that somehow I have a lot less money than I thought, getting called into work early, among other things seemed to outweigh having fun with my friends. When bad things happen, I tend to disassociate myself with my surroundings. I want to go home. The last place I want to be is behind the bubble counter. I feel sick and unproductive. I want to go home. I want to clean my room and take a bath and take time to myself to figure everything out. If I take care of myself tonight, that's setting me up for a more successful tomorrow, right? A day I can spend doing productive errands, go to the gym, work, sort out finances, and be doing other things that make me feel real. Now that I'm typing this, I think I've found the problem. In doing nothing, I don't feel real. When I sit behind a desk for hours every single day, I start to lose grasp of myself. That's why I'm not feeling like myself. I'm tired. I'm mentally overworked. I 've done so little and it's wearing me down. I need to be productive to restore my true mindset and not just stare into the abyss of a screen. When I go home, I will clean, I will play the piano, I will pamper myself, I may even do some reading. That's why I cram so much into my mornings and into my nights: to restore feeling like myself. But then when I do that, I lose sleep, and the cycle continues. On Wednesday, I get the start of one of my last three days off sequences of the summer. The time has become now more than ever to do these things so that I don't go into my senior year of high school on such a mentally strained note.
With only an hour and ten minutes left in my workday, I must push through. Nine. I guess that's why I started this blog in the first place (it's not like anyone's going to read it). When I forget my books and my school work at home, this is all I can do to feel like I'm doing anything. Eight. Maybe I can try and get the afternoon to myself tomorrow and take it to work on myself. Seven. Maybe I can go to a coffee shop and sit and work and finally work things out (no wordplay intended). I feel like my life is becoming paradoxical. I waste my life sitting behind a desk so that I can make money that aids me in being able to do things and spend time with people, but the more I work, the less time I have to use that money. Five. And vice-versa, the less I work, the less money I have for opportunities like that. I wish I could have found a balance this summer but instead, I got a lot of my summer sucked away and into the screen that I sit behind. Four.
I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could spend more time outside and more time with my music and more time with the people I love. I wish I could go home and see my family for once instead of being restricted by my workplace. Three. I wish I could be free. Free of mental burden. Free to do whatever I wanted and to be whatever I wanted to be. Don't get me wrong, I love working here, but spending my whole summer between four tiny walls really takes a toll on a person. Two. After I'm done writing this I will spend the remaining hour of my day staring at a screen until the hour wastes itself away. One. That's not how I want to live. I don't want to live my life waiting. I don't want to spend my life dissociating. I want to spend my life living and loving and being happy. Not spacy. I want to live. Zero.
Monday, August 21, 2017
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Hopelessness
Sometimes in life, you feel like all your efforts are going to waste. You wake up in the morning and you work your rear off until you go to bed. All for what? To just be told by others that your efforts aren't good enough? Even though you try and try and try. You try to be good, you try and be better, but society is yelling at you because some how you are still missing the mark. What many will not tell you is that this is okay.
It is okay to feel upset. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to get overwhelmed and to break down in tears. You are not the first person who may feel this way, nor will you be the last. And in my opinion, there is only one way to get through this downer sort of mood. And that is through self-love and self-preservation. Find salvation in doing things to better yourself. Spend time with the people you love. Go outside, practice a hobby. Continue to do the things that make you feel both euphoric and productive. Nourish yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Although the world may be yelling that there is no point, you must push through. Your emotions are valid but if you permanently look at the world through a negative looking glass, that is no way to live. Love yourself first, then love others second. Eventually, through practicing the things that make you feel full, those shouts of negativity will merely be whispers. Everyone was put on this earth with a purpose. A purpose you and only you may know the meaning to. It is crucial not to allow the outside influence of others have an impact on your purpose. When I am feeling hopeless, I have found a few ways I frequently cope with it.
Nourishment of the mind:
Read stories that inspire and fascinate you. Let your feelings out in writing. Do the things you love and the things that will unclutter an overwhelmed mind.
Nourishment of the body:
Exercise. Eat healthier, even if it's just for a bit, and observe how it feels. Pamper yourself with bubble baths and face masks and focus on love and self-care.
Nourishment of the soul:
Meditate. Catch up with a friend you can have a deep conversation with. Listen to music that makes you feel.
You are the sand on the beach, and negativity is the ocean. Though it rolls and crashes into you every now and again, it will always go away. And in the end, you will remain present at strong.
It is okay to feel upset. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to get overwhelmed and to break down in tears. You are not the first person who may feel this way, nor will you be the last. And in my opinion, there is only one way to get through this downer sort of mood. And that is through self-love and self-preservation. Find salvation in doing things to better yourself. Spend time with the people you love. Go outside, practice a hobby. Continue to do the things that make you feel both euphoric and productive. Nourish yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Although the world may be yelling that there is no point, you must push through. Your emotions are valid but if you permanently look at the world through a negative looking glass, that is no way to live. Love yourself first, then love others second. Eventually, through practicing the things that make you feel full, those shouts of negativity will merely be whispers. Everyone was put on this earth with a purpose. A purpose you and only you may know the meaning to. It is crucial not to allow the outside influence of others have an impact on your purpose. When I am feeling hopeless, I have found a few ways I frequently cope with it.
Nourishment of the mind:
Read stories that inspire and fascinate you. Let your feelings out in writing. Do the things you love and the things that will unclutter an overwhelmed mind.
Nourishment of the body:
Exercise. Eat healthier, even if it's just for a bit, and observe how it feels. Pamper yourself with bubble baths and face masks and focus on love and self-care.
Nourishment of the soul:
Meditate. Catch up with a friend you can have a deep conversation with. Listen to music that makes you feel.
You are the sand on the beach, and negativity is the ocean. Though it rolls and crashes into you every now and again, it will always go away. And in the end, you will remain present at strong.
Monday, February 13, 2017
Blessed Be The Mighty Snow Day
When the phone rang last night I looked at my dad and laughed. "Maybe the school district's finally come around to calling time off." I had joked. But to my amazement when the caller ID flashed on the phone screen, it was exactly that. Today we would have no school.
After two crazy long days of two hour drive times and eight-hour shifts, a snow day was exactly what I needed. I got to sleep in, actually make breakfast, get all my schoolwork done, and I had time left over to have to myself, and I couldn't even begin to tell you how long it's been since the last time that happened. In fact, the next little stretch of time will pretty much be like this. Taking it easy, having time to work and time to play, and less stress. I'm excited and ready to enjoy it while it lasts because I know that come March, things are going to get crazy, and they'll stay that way pretty much until the end of the school year. I can't wait to use the upcoming free time to sit back, relax, and brace myself for the upcoming storm ahead.
After two crazy long days of two hour drive times and eight-hour shifts, a snow day was exactly what I needed. I got to sleep in, actually make breakfast, get all my schoolwork done, and I had time left over to have to myself, and I couldn't even begin to tell you how long it's been since the last time that happened. In fact, the next little stretch of time will pretty much be like this. Taking it easy, having time to work and time to play, and less stress. I'm excited and ready to enjoy it while it lasts because I know that come March, things are going to get crazy, and they'll stay that way pretty much until the end of the school year. I can't wait to use the upcoming free time to sit back, relax, and brace myself for the upcoming storm ahead.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
How to "get back in the swing of things"
My life is absolutely crazy. There's no doubt about it. Today was the first day in recent memory that I got home before dark. I'm just busy. And sometimes, when I get busy, I begin to neglect my responsibilities. Uh oh. But! Here is how I allow myself to get back on track with whatever thing I've kind of digressed from.
Usually, my days are productive. But for those days when I just need to get so much done, I call them "overly productive days" (or nights, like tonight). Here's what I did on my overly productive night to put myself back on track for being my usual high-performance self.
I start off by pampering the absolute life out of my skin. A proper skincare routine is something I often neglect when I'm in a hurry. So when I'm being extra careful, I go the full nine yards. I started off tonight with a pore strip and a facemask, then I used a lot of my Saving Face kit by Skyn Iceland (that stuff works wonders).
Next up, I'll clean my room. I feel 145% more productive when I work in a clean space. So I picked up the floor, cleaned off my desk, lit a candle, put clothes away, the works. I usually also turn on my fairy lights, just because it gives the room a nice mood, I dunno.
One of the most important things I do is bullet journaling. Odds are I will make an entire post just for this, but oh my god it's awesome. I prefer writing down everything I have to do because the visual clicks in my brain better.
Then, I just crank everything out. I'll make myself a cup of tea, and I'll just knock everything out because I'm super in the mood to get stuff done. Then in the morning, I can actually give myself time to get ready; not to do my biology homework.
Usually, my days are productive. But for those days when I just need to get so much done, I call them "overly productive days" (or nights, like tonight). Here's what I did on my overly productive night to put myself back on track for being my usual high-performance self.
I start off by pampering the absolute life out of my skin. A proper skincare routine is something I often neglect when I'm in a hurry. So when I'm being extra careful, I go the full nine yards. I started off tonight with a pore strip and a facemask, then I used a lot of my Saving Face kit by Skyn Iceland (that stuff works wonders).
Next up, I'll clean my room. I feel 145% more productive when I work in a clean space. So I picked up the floor, cleaned off my desk, lit a candle, put clothes away, the works. I usually also turn on my fairy lights, just because it gives the room a nice mood, I dunno.
One of the most important things I do is bullet journaling. Odds are I will make an entire post just for this, but oh my god it's awesome. I prefer writing down everything I have to do because the visual clicks in my brain better.
Then, I just crank everything out. I'll make myself a cup of tea, and I'll just knock everything out because I'm super in the mood to get stuff done. Then in the morning, I can actually give myself time to get ready; not to do my biology homework.
Friday, January 20, 2017
My Bisexuality
The day is January 20, 2017. It is also, coincidentally enough, inauguration day for the President of the United States. A man who has been known in the past to be not so kind to minority groups and who has also been known for his highly conservative views has just become the leader of our free world. And what do I do on this day in American history? I tell the world that I am bisexual.
Here's a little FAQ if you will, about me and my bisexuality. (I got all of these off the internet, I don't actually think anyone cares as much as to ask me questions about it legitimately.)
How long have you known you were bi?
For years, really. However, I didn't really identify with the term "bisexual" until middle school.
Who was the first person you came out to?
I literally had not told anyone until today. My best friends and my distance acquaintances all found out today.
Who was your first girl crush?
Well, there is a 145% chance I still go to school with them today, so publicly on my blog is probably not a very good place to talk about it.
Who is your favorite bisexual fictional character?
Well, I actually had to look up bisexual fictional characters because I don't really know any off the top of my head. That goes to show how much we get represented in that sort of thing. The internet is telling me Bob Belcher is bisexual??? In that case, probably him.
Have you ever been to pride?
No, but I think it would be so much fun!!
But Taylor, aren't you dating a guy?
Yes! And I am in love, in love, in love! Like the forever sort of love gut feeling when you're constantly head over heels and everything feels all mushy and lovely. Being bisexual means I'm attracted to girls AND guys! As a bi person, you don't need to prove yourself to anyone, it's just a matter of what you personally identify with. Though I have all the confidence in the world in my beautiful, fantastic relationship, there was that time for a few years where I was unsure who I would end up with, but I knew it could be a guy OR a girl. The world works in mysterious ways, dude. But I am happy, I am in love and I will be for the rest of my days, and that's just how the cookie crumbles!
It is just so important to be true to who you are and to not be ashamed. I am the same person as I was yesterday, as I was last month, and as I was years ago! It's just that now, you know a fun little fact about me that you didn't before.
Here's a little FAQ if you will, about me and my bisexuality. (I got all of these off the internet, I don't actually think anyone cares as much as to ask me questions about it legitimately.)
How long have you known you were bi?
For years, really. However, I didn't really identify with the term "bisexual" until middle school.
Who was the first person you came out to?
I literally had not told anyone until today. My best friends and my distance acquaintances all found out today.
Who was your first girl crush?
Well, there is a 145% chance I still go to school with them today, so publicly on my blog is probably not a very good place to talk about it.
Who is your favorite bisexual fictional character?
Well, I actually had to look up bisexual fictional characters because I don't really know any off the top of my head. That goes to show how much we get represented in that sort of thing. The internet is telling me Bob Belcher is bisexual??? In that case, probably him.
Have you ever been to pride?
No, but I think it would be so much fun!!
But Taylor, aren't you dating a guy?
Yes! And I am in love, in love, in love! Like the forever sort of love gut feeling when you're constantly head over heels and everything feels all mushy and lovely. Being bisexual means I'm attracted to girls AND guys! As a bi person, you don't need to prove yourself to anyone, it's just a matter of what you personally identify with. Though I have all the confidence in the world in my beautiful, fantastic relationship, there was that time for a few years where I was unsure who I would end up with, but I knew it could be a guy OR a girl. The world works in mysterious ways, dude. But I am happy, I am in love and I will be for the rest of my days, and that's just how the cookie crumbles!
It is just so important to be true to who you are and to not be ashamed. I am the same person as I was yesterday, as I was last month, and as I was years ago! It's just that now, you know a fun little fact about me that you didn't before.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Dear 2016
Dear 2016,
From a worldwide perspective, it is safe to say: you were not the best to us. News outlets are actually posing the question "was 2016 the worst year in history?". And with the evidence they have to back it up, I'm not surprised this accusation was made. Tragedies were seen all over the world. Bombings, shootings, natural disasters. Political occurrences such as Brexit and Trump's future presidency have caused controversy and outrage from both sides. Many legends in the music and acting industries took their last breaths.
But I am writing to you today to focus less on the horrible things you brought to the world, but the things that you brought me, personally, in my 2016. And from a personal perspective, it wasn't too bad. I laughed, I cried, I found my people. I fit into a friend group who loves and supports me to the ends of the Earth. The feeling is mutual. In fact, I got to spend so much time with those I love. Whether it was with friends, with family, or with my fantastic boyfriend, I constantly surrounded myself with love and support and that was evident in how I felt throughout the year.
Even though the year brought a few negatives, the "I'll see you in four months" goodbyes, the stress and anxiety of a new year and a new future, and more. I can only thank you, 2016. For what I learned from you, both positively and negatively, will make me a better person in the future. You, like an old friend, showed me love and showed me hatred. All of this will only make me stronger. In the upcoming year, I will be a better person. I will love and I will be loved. Because of you, 2017 will be great.
From a worldwide perspective, it is safe to say: you were not the best to us. News outlets are actually posing the question "was 2016 the worst year in history?". And with the evidence they have to back it up, I'm not surprised this accusation was made. Tragedies were seen all over the world. Bombings, shootings, natural disasters. Political occurrences such as Brexit and Trump's future presidency have caused controversy and outrage from both sides. Many legends in the music and acting industries took their last breaths.
But I am writing to you today to focus less on the horrible things you brought to the world, but the things that you brought me, personally, in my 2016. And from a personal perspective, it wasn't too bad. I laughed, I cried, I found my people. I fit into a friend group who loves and supports me to the ends of the Earth. The feeling is mutual. In fact, I got to spend so much time with those I love. Whether it was with friends, with family, or with my fantastic boyfriend, I constantly surrounded myself with love and support and that was evident in how I felt throughout the year.
Even though the year brought a few negatives, the "I'll see you in four months" goodbyes, the stress and anxiety of a new year and a new future, and more. I can only thank you, 2016. For what I learned from you, both positively and negatively, will make me a better person in the future. You, like an old friend, showed me love and showed me hatred. All of this will only make me stronger. In the upcoming year, I will be a better person. I will love and I will be loved. Because of you, 2017 will be great.
Thank you for everything. (Yes, I do mean everything! )
-TB
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