Dissociating

     Today I feel like the world is against me. Though I tried so much to make today a good day, it simply would not happen. Waking up to canceled plans, a check that couldn't split, being locked out of my car, learning that somehow I have a lot less money than I thought, getting called into work early, among other things seemed to outweigh having fun with my friends. When bad things happen, I tend to disassociate myself with my surroundings. I want to go home. The last place I want to be is behind the bubble counter. I feel sick and unproductive. I want to go home. I want to clean my room and take a bath and take time to myself to figure everything out. If I take care of myself tonight, that's setting me up for a more successful tomorrow, right? A day I can spend doing productive errands, go to the gym, work, sort out finances, and be doing other things that make me feel real. Now that I'm typing this, I think I've found the problem. In doing nothing, I don't feel real. When I sit behind a desk for hours every single day, I start to lose grasp of myself. That's why I'm not feeling like myself. I'm tired. I'm mentally overworked. I 've done so little and it's wearing me down. I need to be productive to restore my true mindset and not just stare into the abyss of a screen. When I go home, I will clean, I will play the piano, I will pamper myself, I may even do some reading. That's why I cram so much into my mornings and into my nights: to restore feeling like myself. But then when I do that, I lose sleep, and the cycle continues. On Wednesday, I get the start of one of my last three days off sequences of the summer. The time has become now more than ever to do these things so that I don't go into my senior year of high school on such a mentally strained note.
     With only an hour and ten minutes left in my workday, I must push through. Nine. I guess that's why I started this blog in the first place (it's not like anyone's going to read it). When I forget my books and my school work at home, this is all I can do to feel like I'm doing anything. Eight. Maybe I can try and get the afternoon to myself tomorrow and take it to work on myself. Seven. Maybe I can go to a coffee shop and sit and work and finally work things out (no wordplay intended). I feel like my life is becoming paradoxical. I waste my life sitting behind a desk so that I can make money that aids me in being able to do things and spend time with people, but the more I work, the less time I have to use that money. Five. And vice-versa, the less I work, the less money I have for opportunities like that. I wish I could have found a balance this summer but instead, I got a lot of my summer sucked away and into the screen that I sit behind. Four.
     I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could spend more time outside and more time with my music and more time with the people I love. I wish I could go home and see my family for once instead of being restricted by my workplace. Three. I wish I could be free. Free of mental burden. Free to do whatever I wanted and to be whatever I wanted to be. Don't get me wrong, I love working here, but spending my whole summer between four tiny walls really takes a toll on a person. Two. After I'm done writing this I will spend the remaining hour of my day staring at a screen until the hour wastes itself away. One. That's not how I want to live. I don't want to live my life waiting. I don't want to spend my life dissociating. I want to spend my life living and loving and being happy. Not spacy. I want to live. Zero.