Dissociating

     Today I feel like the world is against me. Though I tried so much to make today a good day, it simply would not happen. Waking up to canceled plans, a check that couldn't split, being locked out of my car, learning that somehow I have a lot less money than I thought, getting called into work early, among other things seemed to outweigh having fun with my friends. When bad things happen, I tend to disassociate myself with my surroundings. I want to go home. The last place I want to be is behind the bubble counter. I feel sick and unproductive. I want to go home. I want to clean my room and take a bath and take time to myself to figure everything out. If I take care of myself tonight, that's setting me up for a more successful tomorrow, right? A day I can spend doing productive errands, go to the gym, work, sort out finances, and be doing other things that make me feel real. Now that I'm typing this, I think I've found the problem. In doing nothing, I don't feel real. When I sit behind a desk for hours every single day, I start to lose grasp of myself. That's why I'm not feeling like myself. I'm tired. I'm mentally overworked. I 've done so little and it's wearing me down. I need to be productive to restore my true mindset and not just stare into the abyss of a screen. When I go home, I will clean, I will play the piano, I will pamper myself, I may even do some reading. That's why I cram so much into my mornings and into my nights: to restore feeling like myself. But then when I do that, I lose sleep, and the cycle continues. On Wednesday, I get the start of one of my last three days off sequences of the summer. The time has become now more than ever to do these things so that I don't go into my senior year of high school on such a mentally strained note.
     With only an hour and ten minutes left in my workday, I must push through. Nine. I guess that's why I started this blog in the first place (it's not like anyone's going to read it). When I forget my books and my school work at home, this is all I can do to feel like I'm doing anything. Eight. Maybe I can try and get the afternoon to myself tomorrow and take it to work on myself. Seven. Maybe I can go to a coffee shop and sit and work and finally work things out (no wordplay intended). I feel like my life is becoming paradoxical. I waste my life sitting behind a desk so that I can make money that aids me in being able to do things and spend time with people, but the more I work, the less time I have to use that money. Five. And vice-versa, the less I work, the less money I have for opportunities like that. I wish I could have found a balance this summer but instead, I got a lot of my summer sucked away and into the screen that I sit behind. Four.
     I wish it wasn't this way. I wish I could spend more time outside and more time with my music and more time with the people I love. I wish I could go home and see my family for once instead of being restricted by my workplace. Three. I wish I could be free. Free of mental burden. Free to do whatever I wanted and to be whatever I wanted to be. Don't get me wrong, I love working here, but spending my whole summer between four tiny walls really takes a toll on a person. Two. After I'm done writing this I will spend the remaining hour of my day staring at a screen until the hour wastes itself away. One. That's not how I want to live. I don't want to live my life waiting. I don't want to spend my life dissociating. I want to spend my life living and loving and being happy. Not spacy. I want to live. Zero.

Hopelessness

     Sometimes in life, you feel like all your efforts are going to waste. You wake up in the morning and you work your rear off until you go to bed. All for what? To just be told by others that your efforts aren't good enough? Even though you try and try and try. You try to be good, you try and be better, but society is yelling at you because some how you are still missing the mark. What many will not tell you is that this is okay.
     It is okay to feel upset. It is okay to feel sad. It is okay to get overwhelmed and to break down in tears. You are not the first person who may feel this way, nor will you be the last. And in my opinion, there is only one way to get through this downer sort of mood. And that is through self-love and self-preservation. Find salvation in doing things to better yourself. Spend time with the people you love. Go outside, practice a hobby. Continue to do the things that make you feel both euphoric and productive. Nourish yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Although the world may be yelling that there is no point, you must push through. Your emotions are valid but if you permanently look at the world through a negative looking glass, that is no way to live. Love yourself first, then love others second. Eventually, through practicing the things that make you feel full, those shouts of negativity will merely be whispers. Everyone was put on this earth with a purpose. A purpose you and only you may know the meaning to. It is crucial not to allow the outside influence of others have an impact on your purpose. When I am feeling hopeless, I have found a few ways I frequently cope with it.

Nourishment of the mind:
Read stories that inspire and fascinate you. Let your feelings out in writing. Do the things you love and the things that will unclutter an overwhelmed mind.

Nourishment of the body:
Exercise. Eat healthier, even if it's just for a bit, and observe how it feels. Pamper yourself with bubble baths and face masks and focus on love and self-care.

Nourishment of the soul:
Meditate. Catch up with a friend you can have a deep conversation with. Listen to music that makes you feel.

You are the sand on the beach, and negativity is the ocean. Though it rolls and crashes into you every now and again, it will always go away. And in the end, you will remain present at strong.